Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
