So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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