My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
