I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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