the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Randomize
