He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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