I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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