Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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