nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
How's work?
Spinning.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
