Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
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