I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
