Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize