i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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