i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
