I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Randomize
