when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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