made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
