im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
