the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
