There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
