I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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