Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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