we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
