How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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