We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
