Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Randomize
