Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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