I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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