I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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