Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Randomize