Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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