I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
