hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
