oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
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