You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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