The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Randomize
