I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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