I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
