Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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