perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
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