yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
