Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
This is not my ceiling
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
