Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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