you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
