I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
