connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
