well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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