who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
