at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
