the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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