I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
