...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
