The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
