i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
high people should be assigned attendants
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
