the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
3pm strippers are depressing
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
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