I wish I could teleport
How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
