someone threw a dead crab at me
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Randomize