6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize
