I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
