Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
My vagina is very pro this idea
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
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