"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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