For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
